hooray!blog

2006-08-04T15:15:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Tony Bennett!

This week Mr.Tony Bennett celebrated his 80th birthday! A man with all of the great qualities of Frank Sinatra, but without any of the arrogance, self-importance or criminal tendencies, Anthony Dominick Benedetto was born in Astoria, Queens in 1926, and learned how to be a great crooner without being a thug. Check out the Wiki on Tony for a full picture. Among other things, Tony served his country (unlike Sinatra, who dodged military duty based on "ear trouble"), had a starring role in Gremlins, and recorded with the wonderful bespectacled k.d.lang, among many, many other things.

Happy Birthday, Tony...

BORN ON THIS DATE: Percy Bysshe Shelley, 1792, noted husband of the author of one of the greatest "tales" ever told, 'Frankenstein'. Mary Wollestoncraft Shelley was much more interesting than her spouse!

DIED ON THIS DATE: Jeanne Calment, elderly Parisian, 1997, at age 120, or 122, or 104, (depending on who you ask), who said "I only have one wrinkle, and I'm sitting on it."

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2006-07-31T11:35:00.000-04:00

Hooray for following the teachings of Christ!

Mr.Mel Gibson apparently asked the officer who recently arrested him for DUI, "Are you a Jew?", after apparently ranting about "f*ck!ng Jews" and blaming them for the world's ills. What a nice man! Wait, wasn't Jesus a Jew?

Which begs the question, What Would Jesus Do if He was pulled over for DUI?

BORN ON THIS DATE: Jean Dubuffet, artist, 1901

DIED ON THIS DATE: Andrew Johnson, President of the United States, 1875, famous for having been impeached a long time before William Jefferson Clinton.
Described as an "emissary of Satan" by Republicans, Johnson (like Clinton) left the country fiscally better off than he found it.

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2006-07-30T15:15:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Revelation!

Friends, I want to tell you about a new friend who has come into my life. For decades and around the globe I have searched for truth & meaning, seemingly in vain, until the Truth came upon me! I have been touched by His noodly appendage!

In response to the Kansas School Board requiring "Intelligent Design" be taught alongside Evolution as an "alternative explanation for Creation", the fine folks at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster have been lobbying to have THEIR account of creation taught in Kansas schools, too. This seem perfectly reasonable, particulary in light of the fact that both George W. Bush and John McCain clearly support making a range of "facts" available to children as demonstrated by their opinions on "Intelligent Design":

"I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought. You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes." --George W. Bush, President of the United States of America.

"All points of view should be available to students studying the origins of mankind."--Senator John McCain

So Hooray for Consistency! I urge you to visit The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster today, read what they have to say, and support their most noble of causes!

You could purchase a handsome t-shirt and help finance the FSM missionary pirate ship. Be a part of the solution to global warming, rather than a part of the cause!

May you feel His noodly appendage in your life, today! Aarrrr!

BORN ON THIS DATE: Actor Dick Wilson, 1916, who said: "As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients,' but another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian.' "

DIED ON THIS DATE: William Penn, 1718, Quaker leader, colonist, who is immortalized in a 37-foot-high statue atop City Hall in Philadelphia. As residents of Philadelphia know, and most visitors quickly notice if they look up at the statue from the right angle, Mr.Penn is apparently proud indeed to be up there!
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2006-07-29T08:31:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Stupidity!

Think you know someone stupid? How do they stack up against these fine folk?

DUMB!

DUMBER!

DUMBEST!

BORN ON THIS DATE: Geddy Lee, 1953, (born Gary Lee Weinrib), whose Mom's heavy Yiddish makes "Gary" sound like "Geddy". Geddy is a fine bass player who once said (in an annoying high-pitched voice): " I probably don't go to the record stores as much as I should to find out what is new". Who'd of thought?

DIED ON THIS DATE: The Incomparable Hildegard, 2005, at age 99, caberet singer, after whom Revlon named both a lipstick color and a nail polish.
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2006-07-27T14:36:00.000-04:00

Hooray for chemotherapy!

16-year-old Abraham Starchild Cherrix, a victim of Hodgkin's Disease, has been compelled by Virginia courts to undergo chemotherapy rather than being allowed to continue the "natural cancer cure" he and his parents wished to pursue. While I am a strong proponent of complete liberty, under the law, suicide is still a crime (though it's admittedly difficult to prosecute!), and attempting to self-medicate for cancer using pokeweed, burdock root, licorice, barberry, buckthorn bark, stillingia root, red clover, prickly ash bark, potassium iodide, etc., is clearly either attempted suicide or is evidence of mental health problems sufficient to merit the state confining one to an institution. Cancer in most cases need no longer be a death sentence. If caught early enough, it can very often be treated successfully using a combination of surgery & chemotherapy. Trust me, I know. I'm still breathing, aren't I? The type of Hodgkin's "Starchild" has WAS very curable before it reached the stage it has.

It cannot be cured by eating tree bark. Anyone who says it can just wants your money. In addition, they are both technically and fiscally stupid. Think about it, if you knew that a combination of crushed Hercules Beetle and llama droppings really did cure cancer, if you had half a brain, wouldn't you negotiate a deal with Wyeth Pharmaceuticals and make millions instead of making a few hundred thousand starting your own company?

So what drove Abraham Starchild Cherrix to follow the Hoxsey Herbal Treatment instead of rational medicine? Could it be linked in any way to the fact that he was raised by people who chose to call him "Starchild"? Hoxsey has been hounded out of the country by the "evil forces" of the FDA and accountability, and now operates out of Mexico.

At this late stage, unfortunately, it seems all-too-likely this young, brain-washed fool will die from his unfortunate affliction. Not because he needs to, but because he did not remain under the care of actual medicine for long enough.

Then the only thing left to decide will be whether his parents are guilty of manslaughter, murder, or religious fanaticism...

BORN ON THIS DATE: Hilaire Belloc, 1870, who wrote history's second best poem ever, "Matilda, (who told lies and was burned to death.)"

DIED ON THIS DATE: Gertrude Stein, 1946, noted terrible driver who had the honour of being painted by Picasso. 39-year companion of Alice B.Toklas, Stein was a rather stout lady who was said to have "gloried in her flesh" by pal Mabel Dodge.

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2006-07-23T08:11:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Freedom Of Religion!

Hooray for the Constitutional concept of "Freedom of" and "Freedom from" state-sponsored religion! Americans, both devout and secular, often fail to appreciate what a tremendous gift they have been given in being legally entitled to this freedom. While the notion of "separation of church & State" comes specifically from the Danbury letter, and not from the text of the Constitution itself, it is still a fundemental part of the framework upon which this great nation was built. Hooray!

So few people stop to realize that their religious views are based almost entirely upon chance; the chance of where, geographically, they happened to be born, along with the chance of what "faith" their parents happened to be!

Had you been born in Africa or in Jamaica (or maybe even Brixton!), you might be celebrating your Messiah's birthday today! Ras Tafari! His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassi!

BORN ON THIS DATE: Tafari Makonnen, 1892, the son of a noted general and the grandnephew of Emperor Menelik II. Hailed as the Messiah by a large group of people who particularly enjoyed their freedom of religion by enhancing it with one of God's "more interesting" green-leafed plants. In the 1960s and 70s he worked for pan-African aims, particularly through the Organization of African Unity

DIED ON THIS DATE: Montgomery Clift, actor, druggie, and subject of the Clash song "The Right Profile", who was once described by Marilyn Monroe as "the only person I know who is in worse shape than I am."

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2006-07-20T16:27:00.000-04:00

Hooray for the Ivory-billed Woodpecker!

Maybe they're out there, maybe they aren't, but a federal judge has halted work on an irrigation project that would probably harm any Ivory-billed woodpeckers lurking in the woods 60 years after we thought they were extinct. Without a doubt, it was the right thing to do, imagine if the project had gone ahead, and during the work they had confirmed that there had been some of of these birds still living in the area, but the construction had killed the last ones off.

People rant on about how unimportant one species or another is, and say things like "what good do mosquitos do, anyway" or "who needs the Mongolian Hoot Owl?", but the truth (as Edward O.Wilson has repeatedly pointed out) is that we can't be sure the whole planet won't come tumbling down around us if we upset the balance of nature any more than we already have.

Here's a recipe for woodpecker:

INGREDIENTS:

1 whole woodpecker, plucked and dressed
1/2 cup hoisin sauce
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2 rashers bacon

PREPARATION:

Cut small slits in breast of woodpecker, place in a large pot filled with lightly salted water, cover, bring to a boil, reduce heat and allow to simmer gently for 10 minutes. Remove woodpecker and Preheat gas grill or prepare charcoal grill. Place woodpecker in an aluminum pan. Season with garlic, pepper, and salt, and lay bacon rashers over bird. Grill 20-30 minutes, basting every ten minutes with 2-3 tablespoons of the hoisin sauce. Remove woodpecker from heat and allow to rest for 10 minutes before slicing. Serve with additional warmed hoisin sauce on top.

Yum!

2006-07-20T07:53:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Standing By Your Guy!

Mr.Bush stood by his principles, which you must respect if you have any respect for his principles!

Here's a smattering of the reaction to the President's veto:

"...history will look very unkindly on this veto" -Rep. Chris Shays, R-Ct.

"I think it will hurt the party in November"- Rep. Joe Pitts, R-Pa. (Though he supported the veto)

"It's going to be a symbol of standing in the way of progress" -Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel.

"What this bill does is it allows people who are donors of embryos to allow those embryos to be used for life-giving research. So you either use these embryos for research that will help cure people of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's and Lou Gehrig's Disease, or you discard them"- Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa.

"I do not believe that a frozen embryo in a fertility clinic freezer constitutes human life. Now, I believe that being pro-life involves helping the living. Regenerative medicine is pro-life and pro-family," Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah.

"I urge you not to make the first veto of your presidency one that turns America backwards on the path of scientific progress and limits the promise of medical miracles for generations to come"- California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"It is immoral for our families, neighbors and friends to be held hostage to chronic diseases when their treatments are within our scientific grasp"- June Walker, president of the Women's Zionist Organization of America.

And of the probable source of the stem cells that would have been used for research, Sen.Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, said: "It's very difficult to justify abandoning 7,000 to 20,000 in vitro eggs as medical waste"

BORN ON THIS DATE: Chris Cornell, 1964, (Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave), who made the very astute observation"Led Zeppelin is just a bunch of stupid idiots who wrote cool riffs."

DIED ON THIS DATE: Revolutionary Pancho Villa, 1923, whose last words were apparently "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something". Do you have YOUR final words prepared?

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2006-07-17T14:25:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Judge Marcus Gordon! Hooray for justice!

Hooray for Mississippi Judge Marcus Gordon, who Friday declined a defense motion to let bigoted murderer Edgar Ray Killen (a Ku Klux Klansman finally identified & convicted last year of the 1964 murder of three civil rights activists) go free pending an appeal of his 60-year sentence for manslaughter. The defense argument seemed to be based largely on the premise that Killen is old & feeble. One can only hope the 81-year-old lives long enough to truly suffer as a consequence of his imprisonment. Back in 1964 (since when he has been a free man) this doddering old moron's actions robbed Michael Schwerner, Andy Goodman and James Chaney (three men who travelled to the South to help register black voters) of the opportunity to grow any older because they apparently believed in equality.

Mr.Killen is the sort of human waste that almost makes one wish there were a God to punish him after a hopefully slow & painful demise. Part of what makes the world a wonderful place is the wide range of interests individuals have, perhaps the State can identify a large, angry, gay African-American man who likes wizzened old white men to share a cell with.

Read all about the original events (upon which the film "Mississippi Burning" was based) here

BORN ON THIS DATE: David Hasselhof, 1952, actor & sage who said: "Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many ways, helped save lives. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has had such significance for so many." , and whose stunning self-portrayal did much to boost the artistic merit of the Spongebob Squarepants Movie

DIED ON THIS DATE: Henri Poincare, 1912, who, among other things, helped establish & polish our current time zone system along with Einstein.
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2006-07-13T08:13:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Smilin' Felix!

Forget Smilin' Bob, (he's a loser anyway!), Felix Coco is 80-years-old and still pleasing the ladies. Or at least he was, until he got busted this week for trading crack for sex! You go, Mr.Coco! Full story here. LOL!

Other wacky tales in the news:

Government is protecting us from terrorism at the Popcorn factory AND at the Petting Zoo.

Chicken egg proves Allah moves in mysterious ways.

How to make a house out of a paper-clip

BORN ON THIS DATE: 'Captain Jean-Luc Picard' born 'Patrick Stewart', 1940.

DIED ON THIS DATE: Compay Segundo, 2003, 'son'-style guitarist who participated in the Buena Vista Social Club album put together by Ry Cooder.

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2006-07-12T09:14:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Mastodons!

Keep digging, Michigan. Road crews in Michigan just dug up the bones of yet another mastodon in Michigan, apparently that makes about 250 in the state so far.

Hooray for frustration!

Compelled at least in part by frustration over all the "Creationism" nonsense, REAL scientists have been working extra hard and have found a walking fish and what maybe the genuine "missing link" that creationists are so fond of claiming the absence of!

Hooray!

I think we should start a "Campaign to deny science-based medical treatment for creationists", don't you? Hooray!

Hooray for public opinion!

Do you think Kansas deserves the label of having the worst public school science standards in the country that was given to it by a national education group? You can vote HERE

2006-07-11T15:50:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Syd!

I know where Syd Barrett lived. Do you?

RIP Syd, you stoned old sod. Shame your mates got so bloated.

2006-07-11T06:56:00.000-04:00

Hooray for 7-11!

Today is the "official birthday" of 7-11! Happy Birthday hot dog specials! Happy Birthday hot, fresh coffee! Did you know 7-11 used to be just plain old "Southland Ice Company"? Before electrical & gas fridges, folks just had "ice boxes", and had to buy their ice somewhere, and Southland was mostly where. In 1927, in Dallas, the ice store started selling other stuff, and within the blink of an eye, the Slurpee became a global commodity!

According to the official source, "the most Slurpee® beverages in the world are purchased in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada; and for the United States, it’s Detroit; hot dogs in Washington, D.C., coffee on Long Island, nachos in Colorado, Big Gulp® drinks in Las Vegas and Utah."

BORN ON THIS DATE: John Wanamaker, 1838, who had the largest functioning organ in the history of the world.

DIED ON THIS DATE: Sir Lawrence Olivier, 1989

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2006-07-10T13:59:00.000-04:00

Hooray for duct tape!

The five "Space Shuttle Discovery"s are above you right now (or at least they are about once every 92 minutes), flying by at an astonishing 5 miles per second (that's 17,500 mph!)! Is that cool or what? Look for them when it gets dark, even though they are 220 miles straight up, you can see them (or at least one of them!) with the naked eye or with binoculars or a telescope.

The crew are addressing various "technical concerns" using whatever them have on hand, but things are looking good! A rope of sorts (you can see it in the picture) has been stretched between Space Station number 4 and Space Station number 5, there are plans for a bicycle tightrope ride later in the mission!

Wish we were there!

BORN ON THIS DATE: Kim Deal, 1961, (Breeder, Pixie, Amp) who I would gladly run off with if she would have me and if my wife said it was okay.

DIED ON THIS DATE: Mel Blanc, 1989. "That's all, folks!"

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2006-07-09T13:12:00.000-04:00

Hooray for pirates!

I don't believe in "reincarnation". (In fact, I don't actually believe in anything,(ask my wife!) if you're going to get all 'literal' on me!). But do you think maybe, just maybe, Johnny Depp is inhabited by the spirit of the late great Buster Keaton? Is that even a possibility?

BORN ON THIS DATE: Donald Rumsfeld, 1932, distinguished war veteran whose medals of valor and awards for selflessness during times of conflict are too numerous to mention. Donald enjoys needlepoint, helping old ladies across the road, and when pressed for his most heartfelt wish, is as likely as not to say "a loving home for every unexpected kitten or puppy, and peace for people of all religions and creeds (as long as it makes me some money)".
Donald famously said (of Usama Bin Laden):

"We do know of certain knowledge that he [Osama Bin Laden] is either in Afghanistan, or in some other country, or dead." You go, Donny!

DIED ON THIS DATE: Rod Steiger, 2002, who acted in so many movies he has a Bacon Number of 2 (!), and who said "Man is a greater miracle than any god he ever invented."

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2006-07-08T11:10:00.000-04:00

Hooray for bonobos!

Bonobos are a wonderful thing, so much like people that learning about them is teaching us more about us! Sadly, P-suke the bonobo passed away during preparation for hernia surgery this past Friday. 27-year-old P-suke was a resident at the Great Ape Trust of Iowa, who I think you should send some money , because they deserve it more than most people that are asking you to send them some!

On the subject of higher primates in the news, President George W Bush reiterated his wishes (in his weekly radio address this morning) to continue cutting more taxes and spending more money. A source has suggested that this is all part of his "master plan" to guarantee the Democratic Party will completely dominate everything after his term comes to an end.

BORN ON THIS DATE: Käthe Kollwitz , 1867, artist

DIED ON THIS DATE: Dick Sargent (Darren #2) , 1994 of prostate cancer. Are you a man over 40? Don't die of ignorance. Get yourself checked!
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2006-07-07T16:38:00.000-04:00

Hooray for maggots!

Maggots will soon be feasting on Ken Lay! Hooray! Unfortunately, because he has assumed room temperature and will be unable to launch an appeal, this fine fellow will not be sentenced as he rots, and his wife gets to keep everything. It's enough to shake my faith in capitalism. But not much. Would you like to buy some decorative stock certificates?

How Ken Lay cheated justice

Closing price for Enron today (same as yesterday) $0.00/share

BORN ON THIS DATE: Ringo Starr, 1940, in Dingle, famous for replacing Pete Best as drummer in some band in Liverpool.

DIED ON THIS DATE: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1930, probable engineer of The Piltdown Man Hoax
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2006-07-06T10:20:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Nancy!

Hooray for the First Prune! Born this day in 1833, Nancy Reagan, widow of former President Ronald Reagan, celebrates her 173rd birthday today! And doesn't look a day over 120!

Here's a recipe for pruno! in celebration!

BORN ON THIS DATE: Frida Kahlo, 1907, Mexico's greatest painter, famous for having been married to a large immoveable object, and having invented the monobrow.

DIED ON THIS DATE: Writer Kenneth Grahame, 1932, who said "It is the restrictions placed upon vice by our social code which makes its pursuit so peculiarly agreeable"
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2006-07-05T13:22:00.000-04:00

Hooray for myocardial infarction! Hooray for the fickle finger of fate!

Yes, I was one of the idiots that invested in Enron, but I was lucky enough to lose only part of my shirt. My lack of faith was definitely shaken this morning when I heard "Kenny Boy" had departed this dear earth after suffering a massive heart attack. Divine intervention? Maybe not. Of course it is sad when anybody loses their life, but it was hard to feel too sorry for this shrewd & greedy businessman whose last financial deal was to dodge decades in prison and a probable $43.5 million judgment just by stopping breathing!

Some of Mr.Lay's more memorable comments include:

“My personal belief is that Enron stock is an incredible bargain at current prices, and we will look back a couple of years from now and see the great opportunity that we currently have."

“The company is doing extremely well.”

"We don't break the law."

"Am I a fool? I don't think I'm a fool. But I think I sure was fooled."

So were we, Mr.Lay, so were we.

Here's a list of pension funds that lost money because of your shananigans!

BORN ON THIS DATE: Artist Jean Cocteau, flim-flam artist P.T.Barnum, and Boxheaded 'musician' Huey Lewis.

DIED ON THIS DATE: Kenneth Lay, William Faulkner, and Ted Hey! Where's my head? Williams.

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2006-07-02T09:21:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Liberty! (But not for 'Liberty University'!)

The apparently hard-working and ignorant yet ambitious son of Carey H. Falwell, (an agnostic who died of of cirrhosis), a young fellow by the name of Jerry Lamon Falwell celebrates 50 years of profit through preaching this week. From humble beginnings as pastor of a 30-odd member church housed in a closed soda-bottling factory, the delighful Mr.Falwell (who has assured the world the anti-Christ will soon be here, and will be a Jew!) has risen to prominence & wealth by preaching the message that blacks are stricken with the "Curse of Ham", HIV/AIDS is his god's punishment for homosexuality, and that the events of 9/11 were probably god's way of telling American's that the ACLU and abortion are 'evil'. What a truly delighful fellow! In 1994, when he was having a few financial "hiccups", Mr.Falwell's Liberty University accepted $3.5M from another equally delightful pile of human waste, The "Reverend" Sun Myung Moon

Among my favorite Falwell quotes:

Demostrating his grasp of 'common sense':

"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them." -Falwell, on CNN's Crossfire, May 17, 1997

His 'consistent' message:
"I think the Moslem faith teaches hate"
"If I were president of the United States, I would include Moslems in my presidency"
And as if to prove he is a regular clergyperson who can really 'think for himself', he said:
"I am such a strong admirer and supporter of George W. Bush that if he suggested
eliminating the income tax or doubling it, I would vote yes on first blush."

Here are few entertaining links showing what a fine, upstanding fellow Mr.Falwell really is!

http://www.tylwythteg.com/enemies/falwell.html

http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/foulwell.htm

http://www.funnystrange.com/quiz/

BORN ON THIS DATE: Herman Hesse , 1877

DIED ON THIS DATE: Mario Puzo, 1999, & Jimmy Stewart, 1997

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2006-07-01T09:55:00.000-04:00

Hooray for tar!

Bad for lungs, but great as a preservative! It's that time of year again when many archeologists, still clinging to the vague notion that the world might indeed be more than 5956 years old, lay down on their bellies and fish stuff out of a gooey pit of oily muck beneath Los Angeles. Hooray for the LaBrea Tar Pits! Hooray for the Los Angeles County Museum of Art! It was during the initial construction of the Museum of Art that some of the workers discovered the tar pits in 1915. Since then, the bones of almost 700 different species have been pulled out of the tar, including about 60 mammals.

Click here for a very rare photograph of some mastodons at play...

BORN ON THIS DATE: Georg Christoph Lichtenberg , 1742, who long after his death was responsible for the entertainment his discovery brought to stoners the world over
DIED ON THIS DATE: Marlon Brando, 2004, very, very very big actor.

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2006-06-29T17:35:00.000-04:00

Hooray for democracy!

When one branch of government does something dumb, the US system allows for the other two branches to say "Errrr....oh no you don't!"

Even if you don't agree on the specific details, is that not a wonderful mechanism? Hooray!

Hooray for the Dow! Up to $11,190.80. About where it was in 2000! Hooray!

Hooray for Stem Cell Research! Stymied by Mr.Ronald Reagan (who might not have succumbed to Alzheimers had he not been such a plonker, just ask his wife!), a bill to expand federal funding for embryonic stem cell research gained new life today!

And Hooray for Allah's guidance in removing a light-bulb from this man's bottom!,

And Hooray for the taste of the American public! 14 million people apparently purchased CDs by Hootie & the Blowfish, which means at least 280 million people didn't! Hooray!

And Happy Birthday Interstate System!

2006-06-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

Hooray for the New York Sanitation Department! Hooray for rehab!

The Boy George might still dabble in a little nose-candy, but clearly he's off the smack! He's not fat, he's big-boned! The lad has been sentenced to five days of court-ordered community service as an employee of the Department of Sanitation in New York for various and sundry offenses related to a false burglary report he filed, bringing policemen to his pad only to discover a quantity of cocaine.

The structure of this molecule somewhat resembles Theobromine , the active compound in chocolate, don'tcha think?

BORN ON THIS DATE: In 1927, the late, great Mr.Robert Keeshan who served honorably in the US Marine Corps before going on to become Clarabell the Cow and Captain Kangaroo. Two photographs of the Captain are buried somewhere near the summit of Mount Everest!

DIED ON THIS DATE:Joseph Smith, in 1844, beaten to death (along with his brother)in Carthage, Illinois, by an angry mob who apparently felt that his work as Founder of the Moron Church was not enough to justify him ripping them off. "Yea shall reap that which thee soweth"

2006-06-26T18:00:00.000-04:00

Hooray for British Civility!

Gods bless our boys' love of sport! Perhaps it's time hand-guns were mandatory in Britain, some of these morons would be prevented from breeding by judicious application of bullets which would prevent them from breathing!

Soccer, and indeed British daily life in general, is simply not violent or realistic enough to teach the youth of that once-great nation the reality of "reality". No-one (or almost no-one) anywhere else in the world goes out, drinks lots of beer, and then looks for a fight quite like British youth do! Like Mr.David Hockney , I have to believe this is because Mother England so coddles her citizens they lack a realistic impression of how ordinary they are, and what might happen if they make the wrong people angry. I guess that's what happens when your leader is an old lady in a silly hat!

2006-06-25T11:18:00.000-04:00

Hooray for longevity!

Hooray for longevity! Hooray for life! And thank goodness we don't have to live forever. Recently passed and much-mourned is Harriet the giant tortoise. Unconfirmed rumors suggest Harriet may have been an acquaintance of Mr.Charles Darwin , a gentleman who can be credited with doing almost as much to destroy the Republican Party as George W Bush. Hooray!

Here's a recipe for tortoise:

Cut 1lb of tortoise meat* into 2-inch cubes and simmer in lightly salted water until very tender. Place one large onion (thinly sliced) in the bottom of a tajine or casserole smeared with bear fat, and place the tortoise meat on top. Add 2 cloves chopped garlic, large bunch of parsley and some chopped bell peppers. Cover with diced, seeded tomatoes, and bake at 350C until the peppers are soft. Add a half-cup of dry sherry, stir, and serve over rice.

*You can use chicken if you can't find any good fresh tortoise meat at your local market.

BORN ON THIS DATE: Georges Courteline, 1858, who said "If it was necessary to tolerate in other people everything that one permits oneself, life would be unbearable"

DIED ON THIS DATE: Johnny Mercer, 1976

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2006-06-20T12:06:00.000-04:00

Hooray for free enterprise! Hooray for Brooks Johnson!*

Not everyone thinks that free enterprise and the free market are the best way to run the world, but those who don't are just plain wrong. Of course it's not a perfect system, there is no perfect system, but it has taken America from being a colony to being among the best places on this planet (IMHO) in a paltry 200 years.

So. Why don't we use that principle to fix what we think is wrong with the world, instead of making people angry & letting people shoot at the kids that were supposed to be our future. There are about 27 million people in Iraq (which is about twice the geographic area of Idaho), 40% of them under 15-years-old. We are approaching the point where we will have expended $300,000,000,000 in our efforts there, or about $10,000 per Iraqi. In a country where a doctor might have a salary of $150/month, don't you think we might have fared better to simply "buy" the people into achieving our goal, whatever it was, by offering them $10,000 each to shut up & sit down?

*Mr Johnson is the only child of a US Congressperson serving active duty in Iraq. All of our other leaders' children are obviously too busy to volunteer.

2006-06-19T18:04:00.000-04:00

Hooray for insensitivity! Hooray for C students!

I certainly did not mean for this blog to turn into an assault on the Bush clan, really I didn't. Though I am no Republican, I'm hardly a real Democrat, either, but really, out of 300 million people the best you Americans could do was W? A few days ago, without too much fanfare, this fellow truly outdid all his previous transgressions by taunting a blind man* for wearing dark sunglasses!

Way to go, leader of the Free World!

*Full disclosure, our intrepid leader asked Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times, direct quote, "Are you going to ask that question with shades on? I'm interested in the shade look, seriously, there's no sun!" Mr Wallsten is partly blind as a result of macular degeneration, and consequently wears sunglasses all the time to protect his eyes from glare. I guess he forgot to bring a note from his optometrist for the President.

(Just in case you think I'm some wacky liberal inventing a story, here's the ACTUAL VIDEO of Bush Lite taunting the blind man!...Coming soon, "kick the beggar", after all, what these poor people really need is a swift kick in the pants...) W taunts the blind guy

BORN ON THIS DATE: Mr Charles Spurgeon, who famously said "When you see a fellow with a great deal of religion displayed in his shop window, you may depend upon it, he keeps a very small stock of it within"

DIED ON THIS DATE: Sir James Barry, 1937, who said "I know not, sir, whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life."
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2006-06-18T11:52:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Dads!

Who else is gonna teach you how to tie a bowline knot,
skin a squirrel, hock a loogie , shave , tip your first cow , or write your name in the snow without a stick?

And Hooray for Balance!

While Jeb Bush might be anti-choice when it comes to a woman's right to choose, he is pro-choice when it comes to helmets, helping repeal the Florida motorcycle helmet law six years ago. This pre-emptive move has helped increase the motorcycle fatalities in his state by more than ten-fold that short time, which would have helped offset the population increase had his wishes regarding abortion also become law.

BORN ON THIS DATE: Isabella Rossillini, 1952
DIED ON THIS DATE: Ethel Barrymore, 1959, who said "The best time to make friends is before you need them.

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2006-06-17T07:38:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Charles Gounod!

Born on this date in 1818, (coincidentally also the day that the execrable "Cheeseburger in Paradise" reached its highest spot [32] in the charts in 1978) Gounod is perhaps best known as composer of the wonderful opera "Faust". Not many people know this, but it was written to celebrate the life of a woman who would not even be born for another 145 years or so, the printmaker and writer, Foust. This is also the date on which (in 1963) the Supreme Court of these United States ruled that prayer in public school was unconstitutional, and that reading the bible (Except as a study aid in a course on Christian religion) was clearly wrong.

Religious zealots have been ranting ever since, claiming our system of laws is based on biblical principle, which is clearly nonsense. Our current laws are based (mostly) on common sense. The bible, though a somewhat wacky piece of literature, admittedly does contain some common sense, just not enough to build a legal system on! Christians will rush to explain that the really nutty stuff is in the Old Testament (don't eat the shrimp!) (Watch out for talking donkeys!) but that it is explained elsewhere that these nutty ideas are no longer rules. (Romans 10:4; Galatians 3:24-26; Ephesians 2:15) , and that in the New Testament in Acts 10:15, god told everyone through the apostle Peter that he had changed his mind & that it was okay now to "rise, kill and eat" any of the lord's many delicious animals.

If the bible really were the source for our law, these would ALL be illegal activities (instead of just the murdering and the stealing thing), and the US economy would collapse!

BORN ON THIS DATE: Charles Gounod, 1888
DIED ON THIS DATE: Kate Smith, 1989, at the age of 79. Best known for her rousing renditions of "God Bless America".

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2006-06-16T18:19:00.000-04:00

Hooray for filth!

What have I been telling you people? All along?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060616/ap_on_sc/dirty_rats;_ylt=AqYBMZIs.cfEdNK._8shBtcPLBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTA2Z2szazkxBHNlYwN0bQ--

2006-06-15T21:19:00.000-04:00

Hooray for the Wandering Jew! Happy Bloom's Day one & all!

Today is June 16th, the anniversary of the ordinary day in 1904 that Mr.James Joyce chose to immortalize (or depict in mind-numbingly obsessive detail, depending on your point-of-view) in his very thick work "Ullysses". It's the tale of Leopold Bloom and a fellow drinker Mr.Stephen Dedalus and a bit of a pub-crawl, or so I'm told, I've never managed to wade through it myself. (Though I read all the way through Umberto Eco's 'Foucault's Pendulum', which I recommend, but have a dictionary handy. For an Italian, Mr.Eco sure knows some big English words!)

Mr.Joyce didn't need many big words because he was so very thorough: 'Her ear too is a shell, the peeping lobe there. Been to the seaside. Lovely seaside girls. Skin tanned raw. Should have put on coldcream first make it brown. Buttered toast. O and that lotion mustn't forget. Fever near her mouth. Your head it simply. Hair braided over: shell with seaweed. Why do they hide their ears with seaweed hair? And Turks the mouth, why? Her eyes over the sheet, a yashmak. Find the way in. A cave. No admittance except on business. '

And so on and so on and so on...

In other news:

Fine upstanding Baptist reporter Mr.Tom Strode is raising the alarm that without an amendment to the Constitution that bans "same-sex marriage" all heck might break loose! In an article reproduced at the highly amusing (if it wasn't so scary) http://www.crosswalk.com, he warns that:

A homosexual couple with a marriage license could request married student housing even at a college that bars same-sex couples for religious reasons. HORRORS!

Religious institutions could be required to provide “homosexual spouses” with benefits. WHAT!!!???

Religious employers could be prohibited from firing employees who enter “gay marriages.” HOW DARE THEY?

A person could seek access to his “same-sex spouse’s” family plot in a religiously owned cemetery. NOW THEY WANT TO BE BURIED TOGETHER? WHEN WILL THE BLASPHEMY END?

THERE IS A SIMPLE TOOL TO PREVENT ALL THESE "HORRORS" IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, MR.TOM STRODE OF THE BAPTIST PRESS! RELINQUISH THE TAX BREAKS FOR RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS!

"He flung up his hands and tramped down the stone stairs, singing out of tune with a Cockney accent: O, WON’T WE HAVE A MERRY TIME,DRINKING WHISKY, BEER AND WINE!ON CORONATION,CORONATION DAY!O, WON’T WE HAVE A MERRY TIMEON CORONATION DAY!"

BORN ON THIS DATE: John Peel, 1939. Avid cyclist, discoverer of Joy Division, The Undertones and many, many others.

DIED ON THIS DATE:In 1969 by overdose, Mr.John Honeyman-Scott, one of an alarming number of The Pretenders who have perished over the years.

2006-06-14T16:50:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Role Models! Hooray!

The Pittsburgh Steelers' Ben Toothlisberger is the kind of dedicated role-model our nations kids need to teach them the important things in life. He selflessly allowed himself to be involved in a collision with a car while he was on a very, very large motorcycle without a helmet. And all this so kids would get a real demonstration of how dumb that is, instead of just lip service! What a fine fellow!

Roethlisberger is on record as having said, regarding the wearing of a helmet while riding a motorcycle "I'm pretty conservative and laid back. I'll just continue to be careful. I told him we don't ever ride alone, we always ride in a group of people, and I think it makes it even more safe." So the reason he was in the accident, obviously, was that he was riding alone?

And another great example for the kids!

Small Face, great big liver! Ronnie Wood and his long-suffering companion, his liver, are apparently at odds again. Little Ronnie is showing the youth of today just how much damage it does to your liver to drink incessantly, not just by preaching, but by using his own organ as a demonstration! What a guy!

Said a spokesman "Ron & Keef 'ave been 'avin' this sorta race fing to see oos liver would cop it first. I 'ad my money on Keef.
We were 'avin' a office pool, like... but i ain't given up yet. Keef's still got it in 'im, I reckon, I do...."

2006-06-14T09:19:00.000-04:00

Hooray for our lack of imagination!

What this world needs is more of the same! All this nonsense about so-called "originality","progress" and "creativity" is way overated. When we find something we think we like, we should stick with it, even when it gets all old and wrinkly.

I speak, of course, of the impending reunion of the Beach Boys, or at least the ones that are still breathing.

Mike Love seems to think Dennis & Carl Wilson are still here in spirit, but did not say whether he believed Brian Wilson was still actually with us.

What's wrong with an "All Beach Boys" or an "All Three Dog Night all the time" radio format? Moses was 120 when he shuttled off this mortal coil, and Adam (<=priceless nonsense!) was 930 when he copped it, so why shouldn't we expect Cher with all her "help" to last another 800 years at least?

Why are boomers so determined to arrest the progress of all art, culture & science, and yet get all cranky when their salaries stagnate?

BORN ON THIS DATE: Betsy Ross, 1777, the nice lady who sewed the first US Flag. AND Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of "Uncle Tom's Cabin", who said (among other things) "So long as the law considers all these human beings, with beating hearts and living affections, only as so many things belonging to the master -- so long as the failure, or misfortune, or imprudence, or death of the kindest owner, may cause them any day to exchange a life of kind protection and indulgence for one of hopeless misery and toil -- so long it is impossible to make anything beautiful or desirable in the best-regulated administration of slavery.”

DIED ON THIS DATE:In 1927, Mr.Jerome K Jerome, who is credited as the original orator of the phrase "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

2006-06-12T09:47:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Vodka! And Hooray for fishing!

Or not actually fishing. We saw a terrific gem of a movie this weekend. An Aleksandr Rogozhkin movie called Peculiarities of the National Fishing. (No, really...)

It's in Russian & Finnish, and subtitled in English, but please don't let that put you off. Subtitles are actually usually a good thing, why would anyone bother doing all that work for a crummy movie?

Anyway, a bunch of Russian guys go fishing, stray into Finnish waters, and end up accidentally leaving a bunch of vodka in a shed in Finland, and their boat at the bottom of Finnish waters. This is the tale of trying to get them back. They drink a lot of vodka , use more in a somewhat unconventional manner, and I'm not sure I remember them catching any fish!

You can rent Peculiarities of the National Fishing on DVD at Netflix, my favorite DVD rental service.

I caught a fish! I went fishing for the first time in over twenty years the other day, (my lovely wife recently gave me a telescoping rod that ALMOST fits in your pocket!) and caught a fair-sized Largemouth Bass in a pond at Sweetbriar College So I went straight to Dick's Sporting Goods (very snotty to novices) and bought a fishing license so I won't get deported for unlicensed fishing!

BORN ON THIS DATE: George Herbert Walker Bush, 1924, the 41st President of a country founded on the notion that governance by Royalty or succession to a throne by family is a bad thing.

MURDERED ON THIS DATE:In 1963, Medgar Evers , civil rights worker. In Newton County today, all the mayors are white. It just gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling about humanity, doesn't it?

2006-06-11T10:44:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Benedict!

We saw a rather large & lovely couple recently wearing very taught t-shirts. Our view was from behind, and we could see the text " I love my new German Shepherd" emblazoned on their backs. Curious, I scuttled ahead of them and looked back; And there he was on the front of the shirts, their 'German Shepherd' Pope Benedict XVI!

The Vatican & the Pope have an estimated net worth of $600,000,000 , but doesn't it say something about rich people in the bible? Matthew 19:24

I believe I prefer Eggs Benedict to Pope Benedict. If the creator did not want us to eat eggs, he wouldn't have invented Crestor! Or allowed Mike the headless chicken! to live to grow up into an 8lb Wyandotte rooster!

"Und er schmeckte das Hollandaise und sah, daß es gut war"

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BORN ON THIS DATE: Yasunari Kawabata born 1888, author of 'Snow Country', 'Thousand Cranes', and 'The Master of Go', among many others. Here's how to fold a crane Now go fold a thousand of them for good fortune!

DIED ON THIS DATE: Big Leggy, died 1979. Born Marion Morrison, Mr.John Wayne succumbed to lung cancer after smoking cigarettes for over thirty years

2006-06-10T12:46:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Prince Philip!

Happy Birthday to Mr.Queen of Great Britain! Phil "the Greek" ( though in fact he's actually of German & Danish heritage), first President of the World Wildlife Fund and an avid hunter (!?), was born this day in 1921. Famous for warning a student that if he stayed in China too long he would get "slitty eyes", this fine fellow is a supreme example of the sort of thing that got Mr.Thomas Paine all riled up.

“Dontopedology is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it”

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Fascinating aside:

BORN ON THIS DATE: George Shelley, 1906
DIED ON THIS DATE: Mary Gates, 1994, a woman who has had a greater impact on modern life than almost any other person on the planet. (She had a son she called Billy)

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2006-06-09T13:51:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Friday!

Today is June 9th, which also marks the first day of a golf tournament at the University of St.Francis in Joliet, Il.

St.Francis of Assis probably invented 'stigmata', being, I think, the first historical record of this bizarre phenomena around the year 1224. And much in the same fashion as crop circles, stigmata were soon popping up (or oozing out?) on palms all over the place.

Coincidentally, the inventors of post-modern angry and creators of "Stigmata," the band Ministry are touring right now. I think they are in Canada. "Stigmata" was released on a large round flat black plastic 'disc' called a 'record' way back in 1990 (last century!). It still sounds great. Or maybe I'm just getting old...

Fascinating aside:

TODAY IN HISTORY: Donald Duck born 1934
Charles Dickens died 1870

2006-06-08T06:55:00.000-04:00

Hooray for distractions!

Mr.Bush & his fellows' neatly-planned distraction has faltered. Said the President: "Our nation's founders set a high bar for amending our Constitution and history has shown us that it can take several tries before an amendment builds the two-thirds support it needs in both houses of Congress."

But never mind! Now we don't NEED a distraction. Military technology and the hard work and dedication of our troops & intelligence have succeeded in wiping out that nasty chap, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Hooray, Good News! Camus would be delighted and nonplussed at the same time.

2006-06-07T10:25:00.000-04:00

Hooray for Marriage! Maybe!

Onward plods the effort to sully the constitution with an amendment that clearly won't stand any longer than the 18th did. (In fact, if the history books I was a-looking at are accurate, the 18th Amendment did more to promote the "behaviour" it was supposed to put an end to than anything else! Cheers!)

So I went to look at my bible to see what it says about marriage. I use the King James Version, of course. If it was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me. (I wish those last two sentences were mine, but in reality I plagiarized them from a lady in my best friend's writing class). This is what is says in Corinthians:

Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. -- 1 Corinthians 7:27

But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. -- 1 Corinthians 7:29

So either unmarried people should not wed, or even if they were planning to they shouldn't bother because the end is nigh, and there isn't enough time! Seems clear to me there should be a law preventing any further marriages, no?

Since divorce is so hard on kids, and so expensive (average around $15,000 in some states, much more if you are Catholic and need the marriage to be "annulled"), perhaps we need legislation to discourage mixed-gender marriages? Clearly this would have a far more positive impact on society. Divorce rates would plummet, wife-beating would all but vanish, adultery would disappear, & no more of those nasty "wifeswapping" activities would be going on...

2006-06-06T17:32:00.003-04:00

NUCULER HOLLERCAUST <= copyrighted picture removed (oops!)
Hooray! Hooray! This didn't happen today!

Hooray for nothing!

We all know, deep in our hearts, that nothing from nothing leaves nothing (this is actually an example of how there can be different sizes of infinity... see this link for a game with the devil in it for proof http://www.math.uchicago.edu/~mileti/museum/infinite.html), so today marks not only a disappointing non-apocalypse on the date bearing the number of the beast, but also sadly marks the passing of Billy Preston. Billy got his start playing piano for Mahalia Jackson (!), I think he was 10 years old or something (!). Mahalia sang "Satan Get Back" by Brother Claude Ely. She brought the blues to gospel, and gospel to the blues.

SHOCKING NEWS: "060606" is also the number for Rome! Right near Popey!

http://www2.comune.roma.it/sovraintendenza/english/albero/143/132/857/scheda.asp